


Things Missed and Not

by Salmon_I



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-29
Updated: 2017-05-29
Packaged: 2018-11-06 12:03:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11035818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Salmon_I/pseuds/Salmon_I
Summary: He doesn't seek comfort for the nightmares these days.  There is no comfort to be had from reality. Innocence, he thinks. He misses innocence.From the prompt: Five things they miss from their past, before all this, and one thing they don't.





	Things Missed and Not

Twice now things have been settled enough to think about frivolous things they don't have anymore. It's not til the Alexandria Safe Zone, however, that Carl even thinks about how he misses TV. He remembers rushing inside after school to turn on the tv because one of his favorite cartoons were on. He remembers the morning news was always playing on the tv when he got up even though most days neither of his parents were actually watching it. He remembers movie nights at home with bowls of microwave popcorn and that he always fell asleep before the movie ended.

He doesn't remember a single one of the movies now. He remembers the name of the cartoon but cannot truly recall anything else about it even though it was so important for him at the time to catch every episode of it, even repeats. He never really watched the morning news either.

It was the feeling of it he misses, he realizes. Family and Safety and Home from simpler times when a part of his mind wasn't always on what was happening beyond the walls that kept his current home safe. When you really could just watch a movie and forget anything else. Turn it up loud and not worry about missing an incoming threat or attracting walkers. When he thought as long as his parents were with him he would never be in danger. He misses that feeling.

 

He's no stranger to hunger. The first time they had squirrel meat at the camp above Atlanta he wrinkled his nose at it. These days it's normal, even a treat, to get it. There were times that first winter when he was happy for a can of beets. He'd been willing to try the cans of dog food toward the end, though his father had grabbed them and tossed them away in anger. A part of him still saw that as a waste.

He spots the broken building on the edge of the road during a trip to Hilltop. Nothing special, just another broken down fast food joint. A lot were hit during the early riots. Their large glass windows shattered by rocks and bats. Looters took out the rest in the first year. He remembers brightly colored chairs and greasy food and soda pop. He remembers his family gathered around it, smiling, laughing. His mother always got a strawberry milkshake, and his father always stole half of it. He preferred getting an ice cream cone after, his hands and face getting sticky from the melting treat as he ate it on the drive home.

The fast food joint is disappearing from the rearview mirror and he thinks - I miss that.

 

There is a fish tank in the house they are spending the night in. One of those huge ones that held gallons of water and was once full of sea plants and tons of fish. The water is long evaporated, and the plants are shriveled dried things stuck to the bottom and sides. There are no sign of fish, and Carl wonders if some desperate survivor ate them. Fried guppies and goldfish probably taste better than dog food, if he thinks about it.

It strikes him, though, how nobody is ever going to have a fish tank again. Even in the protected walls of Alexandria nobody has a dog or cat. The closest thing to a pet he had was the pigs. (Probably why he named them despite his father's protests.) Judith is never going to know what it is like to have a pet, either. Or anybody with a pet, unless you count Ezekiel and his tiger.

He remembers playing with his neighbor's dogs and how a stray cat had kittens on the porch of the old woman down the street. He can't remember the woman's name anymore but he remembers the cat was grey with stripes and that she kept it after that.

Suddenly the world seems a little bit lonelier. He doesn't look at the fish tank the rest of their stay.

 

The carnival must have been running when it all happened. The paint on the rides are chipped now, the metal rusty from years of being abandoned to rain and weather. Foilage has crept up the walls of some of the booths. There's a timelessness to the places like this. A moment when you wonder how long it has really been since the old world ended.

He remembers them going to carnivals. Bright lights, and loud music, and people screaming in delight instead of terror. He remembers his mother buying him cotton candy, and Shane winning him a toy at the balloon pop that he had failed to get, and his father carrying him when he got tired from walking around.

In another world, he might have brought Enid here on a date. Bought her cotton candy; won her a toy prize. They may have even gone into the haunted house. He imagines that version of them may have even found it scary. Enid is here with him, but they are looting the haunted house for potential weapons. There are walkers outside, and they can hear their shuffles and moans, and the chipping fake blood on the wall and rubber carcasses in the haunted house can't compare to the real terrors in their memories.

He's never actually experienced the fantasy date between the normal teenage versions of them - but somehow he misses it all the same.

 

He had nightmares as a child. Back then he woke up to his mother's comforting presence. Gentle words and warm hugs, reassuring him that it was just a dream. It wasn't real.

His nightmares now are all too real. They are memories of death and blood and smoke. Of pain, fear, and things he has seen and done. The ruins of his face and the blood on his hands. Negan had called him a Future Serial Killer. Carl had said nothing to that nickname, because the only reply was that he should take the future part off.

He doesn't seek comfort for the nightmares these days. There is no comfort to be had from reality. Innocence, he thinks. He misses innocence.

 

Rick and Michonne disagree on things, but they never yell at each other. They keep their disagreements private. From him, as well as the others. He knows Michonne does not agree with his father's decision to bow to Negan's will. He doesn't either and he expected that first day that they would fight. Or that there would be bitter silence.

There is a tension to their conversation, but they are still speaking. Michonne still kisses his father goodbye when he leaves. He watches, surprised and a little bit confused.

There are memories of arguments that escalated to shouting. Accusations and brittle words and stretches of silence that were almost worst. Not wanting to ask anything of either because it felt like picking sides.

Those moments, he thinks. He doesn't miss those at all.

_Fini_

**Author's Note:**

> Taken from a long forgotten kink meme (I miss LJ) prompt: Five things they miss from their past, before all this, and one thing they don't.
> 
>  
> 
> Not that I don't hate Lori, but the main two reasons for the +1 is that the breakdown of Rick and Lori's marriage started before the show and was a pretty huge plotline for two straight seasons. It is the very first conversation of the whole series even, including Rick mentioning them fighting in front of Carl. I'm not really a fan of Richonne, but the difference in the portrayed relationships is pretty huge, so I think it is something Carl would think about.


End file.
